To Disappear
2019
I have dreams of disappearing,
like that moment oxygen escapes the flame,
like the moment which water warms itself from the ridge of a leaf
as the sun carries it skywards,
you know, that time when air escapes your lungs,
and just becomes air, amongst air.
I have dreams of disappearing,
my peers would mention me in past tense,
and my shadow would walk behind me no more,
like all light had gone from earth,
no social trace or return on a search engine,
just gone, entirely, my body, my thoughts,
all evaporated in the sheer weight of our ozone,
and there’s me,
squeezing through the gaps,
left to split boundlessly in space,
time and time again.
I imagine what it is like to disappear,
be endless,
abrupt and unafraid,
yet neither here nor there,
as if I’d never even seen good, nor evil,
no imprint on my mind,
I just existed as atoms,
so says my body’s make up,
and I walked invisible,
nowhere,
without empty air left behind my walk.
What would it be like,
if she never knew my name,
my face,
what if I was never born,
my mother and father never had that moment as my birthed eyes opened.
Just nothing,
as nothing, from nothing,
to nothing.
I sometimes wish it,
just think of it.
Maybe we’re there already.
For some reason,
whatever that may be,
the idea of disappearing settles my disconcertment, and sets my heart at peace,
like one day that will be me,
and it’s ok to disappear.
like that moment oxygen escapes the flame,
like the moment which water warms itself from the ridge of a leaf
as the sun carries it skywards,
you know, that time when air escapes your lungs,
and just becomes air, amongst air.
I have dreams of disappearing,
my peers would mention me in past tense,
and my shadow would walk behind me no more,
like all light had gone from earth,
no social trace or return on a search engine,
just gone, entirely, my body, my thoughts,
all evaporated in the sheer weight of our ozone,
and there’s me,
squeezing through the gaps,
left to split boundlessly in space,
time and time again.
I imagine what it is like to disappear,
be endless,
abrupt and unafraid,
yet neither here nor there,
as if I’d never even seen good, nor evil,
no imprint on my mind,
I just existed as atoms,
so says my body’s make up,
and I walked invisible,
nowhere,
without empty air left behind my walk.
What would it be like,
if she never knew my name,
my face,
what if I was never born,
my mother and father never had that moment as my birthed eyes opened.
Just nothing,
as nothing, from nothing,
to nothing.
I sometimes wish it,
just think of it.
Maybe we’re there already.
For some reason,
whatever that may be,
the idea of disappearing settles my disconcertment, and sets my heart at peace,
like one day that will be me,
and it’s ok to disappear.
